We Don’t Do Cash

There is a problem with our wonderful scheme of making money. The problem is that there is no way that we can pay everyone in the cash that we hold if everyone demands it. We simply do not have the money.

The answer to us is simple. Don’t issue cash!

We have decided that all of our transactions are digital. Not only does this save us money by not having any cashpoint machines, no one can ask us for the cash we do not have and we can create as much money as we want without any fear of a ‘Bank Run’.

 

Negative Interest Rates

We at the Bank of F U are committed to negative interest rates. As Europe, and Japan already have negative interest rates and with America studying the impact, we feel that it is inevitable. This is great news for us as we can charge you for having your money used by us!

Obviously it would be an advantage for our customers to take their money out in cash so at least it does not depreciate with our charges. By not issuing any cash, our customers cannot do this!

We are pretty sure that we have everything covered.

Remember this is for your own good! 

 

Terrorism

Thank goodness for terrorism. It has given us the perfect excuse to do anything that we want to.

We have taken the understandable position that all terrorists, drug dealers and pimps deal exclusively in cash and therefore we should ban it. OK, crime of this sort probably pre-dates money, but don't worry yourself about that. Just accept that we are doing this to help you and not to 'cover our arse'.

All we have to do is to use the ‘T’ word and no one dare question our motives. OK, you’re far more likely to die from a horse riding accident than by an act of terror, but we certainly don’t want to put it into perspective. Terrorism is ours; we own it.